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Whose Life Sucks More? On Your Mark, Get Set...Go!

Submitted by: Free Status Update

2009-09-16 10:45:18

Atlanta, GA (OPENPRESS) September 16, 2009 -- Tonight's diatribe is inspired of a conversation I had earlier this evening. Some background info, if you will. I lost a long-term freelance job back in May 2008. And 15 months later, I'm still waiting for the economy to go boom! And watch work pour in. It's trickled in a bit, enough to even keep me from seeking out a different full time job, but not enough to keep me from struggling financially. I am hoping that today's news that retail sales are up and folks are now buying new cars and electronics, that we'll see some momentum build. Until then, we'll persevere.

So I'm standing in line when I spot a former coworker. She's a designer. I'm a copywriter. We worked together well over 10 years ago. We do a quick, polite sort of catch up. But I don't hide my thoughts very well. So I told her about how slow my freelance writing business has been. "I've lost about 70% of my business in the last 15 months."

She sees my bitch and raises me - "Well, I haven't had a job in a year."

We were off! It's one of my favorite games - Whose Life Sucks More!

If told right, a good venting can actually be both very liberating and cathartic. I spoke of all the clients that usually called on me once or twice a month that have vanished from Earth. She mentioned how jobs that paid decently were now being replaced by jobs that paid in all you can carry chicken eggs. The good thing is that it became sort of fun. The idea was to take our own hardships one step further.

She remarked that she kept thinking she could still become a pole dancer. I jokingly referred to my stupid porn idea.

And that thought gave birth to this idea. I want to hear your worst. Give me your best hard luck story. BUT, and it's a BIG BUT - you've got to end it with your most clever or funny solution. It feels good to vent, but at this juncture, we need something to laugh about. So I dare you to give me you're tear-felt "woe is me" story but you better finish strong with a good funny solution, okay?

I'll start.

This is my one-man plan to end my personal recession.

The porn industry is HUGE. There are billions being paid to see all sorts of photos that would make even Madonna blush. Well, I am a forty something middle aged guy. My glorious blond locks of the 80s have given way to a baldhead and lots of grey whiskers. However, I can't help but think that somewhere out there is my audience. I mean there are folks who will appreciate the beauty I have to offer. So I plan to create my own website where you can pay perhaps ten bucks a month, and I will give you as many hot shots of my forty something year old ass as I can.

It isn't really a very exceptional bottom. It's sort of pasty white. And rather hairy. But some of you reading this may get turned on. And if enough of you get turned on, then I've got a cottage industry. Forgive the pun, but I don't think anyone has tapped the straight middle age guy butt shot category.

We'll start with just pics of my butt. My butt in the shower. My butt looking in a fridge. Then we'll expand upon that. My butt in a pool. My butt at the office. Then we'll add celebrities. Like a picture of Paris Hilton and her new BFF, (butt friend forever) my butt. Then a pic of my butt and Gov. Mark Sanford flying off the Argentina. Maybe a pic of my butt and Oprah. No wait. That needs to be a cover page shot. Anyhow, the big idea is that I'll become wealthy from showing off pics of my lily-white fame-craving butt.

Then all my hopes and dreams will come true!

Now it's your turn.

Bryan Dodd works on a rare occasion as a copywriter, but his best work is at

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Free Status Update


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